A few nights ago, I was having trouble falling asleep. Partly because my brain was too active, going to bed right after my first doomscroll of the year (not my best moment).
But mostly because I was afraid I would die.
After lying down in bed around 1 am, I started to hear strange sounds outside my window. It sounded like multiple high-pitched squeaks and barks coalesced on the street outside my open window. As my brain does, I could only imagine the worst possible situation — that someone evil was out there doing something… evil. The police sirens on the next street did not help my imagination.
I started being concerned about my open window. There is a bug screen, right? Was my window locked? Could it be opened? Could bug screens be opened from the outside?
As a feeling of anxiety crept up into my chest, I had a sudden realization: I cannot die now — I need more time.
This thought surprised me, because for months I had been questioning my life. I never wanted to die, but I was okay with it happening. In the past, when I became paranoid before sleeping due to the dark or due to suspicious sounds, I wasn’t too worried about it. The difference wasn’t how concerning the sounds were, though. Rather, it was that something had shifted within me a few days earlier.
From December 27th to midnight on January 1st, I attended a conference in Phoenix called Urbana. Urbana is a major Christian conference that takes place every three years, focusing on global missions and missional living. Through Urbana, I was reminded of my identity and given a purpose, one that reframed my life in context.
I heard that there would be people with various educational and professional backgrounds, and I wanted to see how God’s plan for them could translate into what my own future holds. But I certainly didn’t expect to find answers to the question I had been quietly holding in my heart.
Throughout the conference’s sermons, seminars, and stories, I was reminded of two truths:
I. God created us uniquely and purposefully, at the right time.
Lisa Pak, Global Strategist for Finishing the Task, spoke on the book of Esther. In chapter 4 of Esther’s story, Mordecai—Esther’s fatherly figure—convinces Esther to stand and act against the king, and calls her out of her comfort zone as the queen.
Mordecai said, “For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” (Esther 4:14 NIV).
Pak pointed out that the context—the circumstances, situations, and liabilities—in which Esther is born is used by God to save the Jews. Esther’s purpose and role in Jewish history came directly from her identity as a Jew and her living situation. She emphasized that there is a reason you were born for such a time as this, and it’s important to understand that your purpose is in the context of the times in which you were born.
Additionally, Jon Tyson, senior pastor of the Church of the City New York, said something that really resonated with me. He said, “Don’t let human plans of others rob you of your trust in God.”
In an age and culture of comparisons where it seems like everyone else is ahead of you, doing better than you, Tyson pointed out the dissonance between the success of one and the failure of another, challenging my thoughts and assumptions of what I am supposed to achieve.
At the same time, Urbana continuously reminded me of who I am and how I was created. At the conference’s registration, we took TruCenter’s faith-based assessment to catch our top motivations. And although it was just a test, the results drew out my dreams, interests, and inner desires that I previously struggled to put into words. Some of the aspects of myself that I saw as weaknesses were just innate things that drive me toward fulfillment.
People rarely have the same combination of motivations and are never really the same. I was reminded that there was a reason I pursued different subjects or hobbies, a reason I felt fulfillment from certain achievements, a reason for the experiences I tend to seek out.
We individuals, with the beauty of our unique strengths and weaknesses and motivations, were created and made for the purposes set out for us, at the time and in the context of our lives.
I had been so focused on the blessings and opportunities others have received that I had been blinded into thinking that God would not do the same for me. And God might not do the same for me as He might for someone else, but I see now that this fact is the beauty of purposeful living.
II. We were never intended to be the center of our own lives.
This is something Dr. Anne Zaki, professor at the Evangelical Theological Seminary in Cairo, said. Rather, everything was meant to revolve and orbit the Creator and His vision for the world that He so loves.
This shift in perspective from being the center to being a planet around the sun results in two major changes. One, there is more to the world than our lives and successes, and other planets and beings are orbiting with us. Two, purpose is not something we decide ourselves or have to worry about finding.
So… why does this matter?
All this time, I have been waiting for God to do something for my future. I’ve never quite known what I’ll be doing post-graduation, and to be honest, I still don’t know. I have been seeing others enter through open doors of opportunity, as I continue to pursue things that don’t feel right to me. And I have been asking God for a clearer direction.
However, in his talk, Andrew Scott, co-founder and CEO of Scatter, explained that it is not our job to determine or wait for the exact plan or purpose God has for us, but rather that it is each of our purposes to represent Christ in everything we do and to all people on Earth. People in every vocation are needed for God’s Kingdom.
That’s not to say that what we do doesn’t matter. Yes, God has a plan for each one of us. But that plan doesn’t magically start moving on its own. If God calls us to something specific, it would be built upon who we are and our past stories and experiences. And we will not be able to miss it.
Through Urbana, I have rediscovered the heart and the love God has given me. Love for people, love for space, love for discovery, love for learning. And through Urbana, I have rediscovered the curiosity to see what God has in store for me down the line. Whether it is finance or astronomy-related or a short-term missions trip, or something else, I know that there will be lessons to be learned, people to know and love, and ways to represent Christ. And there is so much more to do.
I’m excited to see what comes next. Praise the Lord, Amen.